Put your own mask on first...

Anyone who has flown will be familiar with the safety briefing and its instruction about what to do should the cabin lose pressure. We are told that oxygen masks will drop from the panel above our head, and that we should put our own mask on, before helping others to do so.

That, of course, is sound advice. We are better able to help others if we put our own mask on first; and also, we are less likely to need help ourselves (and thus become an additional problem).

I have heard this quoted a number of times in recent weeks, in the context of resilience during these extraordinary times, and have indeed used the metaphor myself.

Both halves of the admonition are important: looking after yourself first is not selfish. If you fail to do so, you may well end up being an additional problem, just at the time when we (your family, your community, your colleagues, the NHS...) really don't need additional problems.

But the second half is equally important: before helping others... That is to say, we should not only look out for our own well-being, but contribute to others' too. Apart from the obvious reasons - the dictates of charity, or altruism, or community solidarity, or whatever frame you want to put around that universally recognised value of beneficence - there is an interesting feedback loop. Helping others is key to our own social and psychological well-being.

And both of these imply a third aspect to attend to: being prepared to ask for and accept help. That is important, both as a part of looking after yourself, and also in order to permit others to help you, which is good for them, too.

All of which is obvious, just like the things we all know about our physical wellbeing (the importance of hydration, a balanced diet, rest, exercise and so on). Yet knowledge is not always enough. Sometimes, and particularly in periods of extended (or acute) stress, we adopt maladaptive strategies.  On the physical level, we may cut down on exercise, and rest, to make time to get more done: and keep going on caffeine, and perhaps console ourselves with alcohol. All of which have a short term benefit (or we wouldn't do them) but with a long term cost attached.

Returning to the theme of looking after yourself, we may do similar: tough it out (because we are tough) for example, or martyr ourselves in the service of others, or simply not notice that we need to ask for, and accept help.

Reflective practices and feedback are valuable here: which is, indeed, why I am writing this blog post.  I realised, when I started to make some simple errors, that I was more out of shape than I had thought. When I reflected on that, it was obvious: we had had a death in the family, 80% of my work had been cancelled, three of my children are looking for jobs at a time when they are hard to come by... and I had given no thought to the fact that I might need additional support at this time.


Fortunately, I am well-supported, both personally and professionally, and the minute I realised this, I was able to draw on that support, take a little time, put a few self-care measures in place, and I am the better for it.

But I thought it might be helpful to share the experience and the reflections it prompted. Hence, as I say, this post...

Tempting Providence

I have blogged before about the value of meditation: here about the theoretical benefits and my struggle to maintain a commitment to it, and here with something of a progress report as I got the practice better established as part of my routine.

This last couple of weeks have been challenging ones in a number of ways, and on Friday I was reflecting with my coach how relaxed I have felt throughout it all, and how differently I have responded to the way I would have done even just two or three years ago.

The challenges have been many and varied, and I don't want to go into all of them now, but they range from a number of difficult client interactions to the timing belt on my car snapping, which means the engine will need to be re-built or replaced.

Being an introverted sort of chap, there is always the risk that I bottle these things up, until they blow (as my wife and children will quickly tell you, should you ask...)

But I have been much more serene though this bumpy patch and able to maintain a more detached perspective; and that has had a number of benefits. Thanks, at least in part, to good conversations with my coach, I handled some of the situations with more grace and ease, and as a result did not project my own anxieties into them so that they were not difficult after all.  Others remained difficult, but they did not get to me, and thus did not contaminate my other work nor disrupt my relaxation, recreation or sleep. (Though again, a quick conversation with my family might, of course, yield another perspective!)

And I do attribute this to the discipline of meditation which I now have reasonably well established as part of my daily routine. Those 15 minutes each day of prayerful calm are having a huge impact. On top of that, was the wonderful break I gave myself by taking three days off to walk from Paris to Chartres with three of my children (and many other pilgrims). That had the quality of a retreat in many ways: complete withdrawal from all the business of life (no mobile phone or emails...) and three days of simply, walking, talking, thinking, praying, eating and sleeping.

However, I clearly am not wholly without worries yet: for I have a nasty anxiety that blogging about this is tantamount to tempting Providence, and that pride cometh before destruction and all that...


So the next blog post you read here may conceivably be about a complete meltdown in the face of something trivial. But at present, that feels very unlikely.

Back in the swing

So, after a fortnight off, for Christmas and the New Year, things have kicked off with a pretty busy week. I had a proposal to write on Monday, and since then have been coaching in Newcastle, running a workshop in Durham, facilitating a programme in Cardiff, meeting old friends (with a new baby) in Shrewsbury, meeting a new contact in Lancaster, sharing experience with a coaching colleague in Cumbria, and talking with my coaching supervisor from the comfort of my own home.

And now I stop to draw breath (before heading off to Winchester on Monday...)

All of which makes me pause and reflect on the importance of planning; and not just planning for all the activity, but also for some inactivity. I have blogged before (here) about the importance of stopping and making time for meditation, and since that post have been pretty successful in doing so on a daily basis. 

And I have to report that the benefits are very clear to me. I think more clearly, engage with tasks in a more focused way, and maintain a healthy sense of perspective. And the busier I get, the more important it seems to be (as well as more difficult). But apparently, Mother Teresa used to say that she would always make an hour for prayer at the start of every day, unless she was really busy. When she was really busy, she raised it to two hours!  I get the point, but have to admit I just give it fifteen minutes: and that really does repay itself.

Talking to myself

The other day a friend caught me talking to myself.  I am unrepentant.  Apart from Gandalf's observation about talking to the most intelligent person present, there are other good reasons to do so.

I am always particularly interested in notions I initially dismiss as bunkum, but eventually learn have some real value.

Positive self-talk is one of these.  It was my friend and colleague Ann Bowen-Jones who overcame my cynicism.  I was approaching a piano exam, as an adult learner, and confided to her that whilst my scales and pieces were OK, 'I am rubbish at sight reading.'

She picked me up on this, and pointed out that if I repeated that to myself often enough, it might not help...  The neural basis for that is the same as learning, say, times tables by rote.  As a child I said '3 times 4 makes 12' (and so on) so often that now if someone says 3 times 4, the answer 12 comes automatically to mind. Ann's point was that I was teaching myself to respond poorly to the words sight reading, so when the examiner said it was time for the sight reading test, my brain would instantly respond (internally only, if I was lucky!) 'I am rubbish at sight reading.'

So she got me to think of the most positive thing I could think of to say about my sight reading which I could actually believe (she was clear that lying to oneself is pointless), and then repeat that over and over to myself, in groups of 3 ('When relaxed, I am OK at sight reading.')  Three times on getting up , three times on getting into the shower, and so on.  And being a good friend she got me to do this despite my resistance and incredulity.

The result astonished me.  The examiner duly announced that it was time for the sight reading, and my brain told me 'When relaxed, I am OK at sight reading.' - and I played the piece OK; not perfectly, but it was very much better than the previous exam when my fingers had turned to jelly.

So I am a convert to affirmations.

Here's the content of a handout I sometimes give people explaining them:

Affirmations

Affirmations are a powerful psychological tool that we can use to help us to overcome habitual inner dialogue that inhibits or limits us.

For example, approaching a major presentation, you may find that a gremlin voice in your head starts to tell you, repeatedly: “I’m no good at presentations.  This will be a disaster.”

Rationally, you may know this not to be true (or not wholly true..), but nevertheless, the persistent inner voice can be very debilitating, and can cause you anxiety that then sabotages your preparation and delivery.

Affirmations target this inner dialogue directly, by replacing the habitual negative message with a habitual positive one.  (There’s a lot of clever stuff about neurology that underpins this...)

How to use affirmations

1    Identify a future situation that causes you to feel weak in the stomach (eg a forthcoming presentation) or a recurrent and habitual negative thought that inhibits your performance.

2    Identify any negative inner dialogue that you are using to sustain that feeling (eg “I’m no good at presentations.”)

3    Write out the strongest positive statement, contradicting your negative inner voice, which you can believe to be true (eg “When well prepared, I present with confidence.”)

4    Repeat the affirmation to yourself, 3 times in a row, several times a day over the days leading up to the event.  If you notice your old habitual self criticism cutting in, laugh at it and interrupt it with the affirmation (Eg if you notice that you are beginning to think “I’m no good at presentations,” interrupt with: “Good try... however, when well prepared, I present with confidence!”)

5    Repeat the affirmation immediately before the event or in times of need, as appropriate.

Resilience

I have been reflecting a lot on resilience recently (which I am considering as the ability to work under increasing pressures without a stress response).  As preparation for some Stress Management workshops, I have been reviewing some of the most recent research (see for example Margaret Chesney’s lecture, available via iTunes University: “New Scientific Strategies for Managing Stress, Building Resilience and Bringing Balance to Life     [Show ID: 20631]”)


I have also been coaching a number of people experiencing both chronic and acute pressures, and reflecting on what has helped them - and in some cases their remarkable and humbling resilience.


What has proved interesting is the degree to which the most recent research gives ever-more solid underpinnings for the four-fold framework which I have been working with.  (Chesney talks explicitly about three strands, the physical (both physiological and behavioural) the mental, and the relational or social/emotional.  To these I add the existential/spiritual - dealing with issues of meaning and value.  That relates to my interest in Viktor Frankl, and also echoes Covey's framework in 7 Habits and First Things First.  And Chesney refers to it tacitly on several occasions: the importance of purpose, meaning and value.


Of course, this is all linked to my interest in narratives: the interpretations that people place upon their experiences, which can have a huge impact on positive affect - which is what all four strands are designed to support (and again, Chesney has the research to demonstrate the links between positive affect and resilience.)


And as someone who attended a recent workshop pointed out, there is nothing new under the sun.  The classic Christian virtues of Faith, Hope and Charity are a good bedrock for meaning, values, positive relationships, and positive affect generally - and similar underpinnings may be found in many other ancient and traditional wisdoms, with which I am less familiar.


The other area I am keen to explore, and possibly integrate more fully into my work on resilience, is humour. I have been intrigued by Metcalf's Humor Risk and Change programme and am sure he is onto something (though his presentation doesn't always play well with a British audience).  So I am on the look-out for any research on humour and resilience - any clues?